Salary negotiation can feel scary. For many women, just the thought of asking for more money can trigger a wave of anxiety, self-doubt, and second-guessing. So we hold back.
Research shows that women are less likely to negotiate job offers—and when they do, they tend to ask for 30% less than men.
We’ve been taught to work hard, stay humble, and be grateful. But somewhere along the way, gratitude got tangled up with silence—and silence with acceptance.
But the truth is that asking for what you’re worth is not greedy. It’s not ungrateful. And it’s definitely not too much.
It’s necessary because over the course of a 40-year career, the gender wage gap can cost women of color over $1 million in lost earnings according to the National Women’s Law Center.
The Biggest Misconceptions Holding Us Back
Many of us hesitate to negotiate—or don’t ask at all—because of the misconceptions we’ve internalized about money, power, and worth.
Let’s explore a few of the most common myths:
1. “If I negotiate, I’ll seem greedy or ungrateful.”
Many of us—myself included—grew up with messages like “Be thankful for what you have” or “Don’t rock the boat.” We didn’t just hear those messages—we internalized them.
I had a friend who was promoted to a bigger role, but her raise didn’t reflect her new responsibilities. When she brought it up and decided to negotiate, people close to her—family, friends—told her to be grateful and not ask for more.
She negotiated anyway and walked away with a $20K increase. That raise changed the trajectory of her finances and helped her break through a mindset that had previously held her back. It made future negotiations easier too.
Gratitude and ambition can co-exist.
2. “I don’t want to seem difficult or aggressive.”
There’s a real fear that speaking up will make us less likable—or worse, confirm outdated stereotypes of being “difficult,” “angry,” or “demanding.”
But you can be clear and firm without being combative. And if someone is holding onto a stereotype, they’ll find ways to confirm it—whether you negotiate or not. Playing small won’t protect you from their bias.
So the real question becomes: Do you want to be liked, or do you want to be valued?
Being liked is nice. Being paid fairly is necessary.
3. “If I work hard, I’ll be rewarded eventually.”
I wish this was true, but systems don’t always reward hard work equally. You’re likely already working hard enough. Hard work matters, but it isn’t always enough.
Visibility and self-advocacy matter just as much as performance.
4. “I don’t meet all the requirements, so I can’t ask for more.”
This is when impostor syndrome creeps in.
I’ve been there. When I was promoted to Senior Director, my responsibilities doubled. I was now also leading the Accounting team—without being a CPA. Even though I knew I was bringing value, I hesitated.
I voiced my disappointment about the raise not matching the role, but I didn’t push further. I started doubting myself: “Maybe I’m not qualified enough to ask for more.”
That hesitation cost me.
This is especially common among women—we wait to feel 100% “qualified” or “ready” before we advocate, while others confidently negotiate at 60%. We need to start doing the same.
How do we shift our mindset and build confidence to negotiate?
Shifting your mindset around salary negotiation starts with self-awareness. Ask yourself:
What’s really holding me back from negotiating?
Be honest. Challenge the story you’re telling yourself and the thoughts holding you back.
- What actual evidence do I have that it is true?
- What else might be going on here?
- How realistic and accurate are these thoughts?
More often than not, our fear is rooted in limiting beliefs, not reality. Once you see that, you can begin to reframe your thinking and act from a place of power instead of fear.
Own Your Worth
You can’t advocate for your value if you haven’t internalized your worth.
You have to believe that you bring value, that you are competent, and that you are worthy of fair compensation.
To reinforce your value, start tracking your successes:
- Keep a running list of accomplishments—and the skills and values that made them possible. Use a simple document or spreadsheet to track what you achieved, how you achieved it (skills, actions, behaviors), and the impact it had.
- Create a “win board” in your office. Post achievements, thank-you notes, and milestones on sticky notes, a whiteboard, or a framed bulletin board. Seeing your progress daily is a powerful confidence booster.
- Keep a daily reflection journal. Jot down your contributions and the challenges you overcame each day or week. Over time, this will build a narrative of success and help you internalize it.
- Create a “praise folder.” Drop positive feedback, reviews, and praises in the folder every time you receive them.
- And most importantly, celebrate your wins. Don’t skip this! Celebrating reinforces success and rewires your brain to recognize progress.
Refer to these whenever self-doubt creeps in. Gathering proof of your value helps reinforce your confidence.
Confidence grows from evidence. Build your case to yourself first.
Lead with Courage
The first negotiation conversation will likely feel uncomfortable.
Do it anyway.
Courage is the decision to act in the presence of fear. Confidence comes after. We all feel fear and doubt—but the ones who succeed are those who act in spite of it.
Every woman I know who has built negotiating muscle didn’t start confident—they started uncertain but determined. With practice and positive outcomes, confidence grew.
For some of us, the fire gets lit when we see the stats on pay inequity. For others, it’s that moment of clarity—“I’ve had enough of being undervalued.” And sometimes, it’s learning that peers are being paid significantly more for similar work.
Find the fuel that will inspire you to take action.
Prepare and Practice
Don’t wing it.
Do your homework. Research salary benchmarks. Know your numbers. Most importantly, align your case with the value you bring to the organization and the outcomes you’ve delivered.
Keep the following in mind as you prepare:
- Be specific about what you’re asking for (i.e. salary number, bonus, benefits, title—clarity is key).
- Write a clear, concise case for your ask. Highlight your strengths, contributions, achievements, and how they align with business goals.
- Frame your request around business impact, demonstrating how your work supports what matters to them — growth, efficiency, retention, etc.
- Anticipate objections and prepare responses. Don’t be caught off guard. Think ahead to concerns they might raise and how you’ll respond.
- Practice with a friend, coach, or mentor until it feels natural. If necessary, rehearse in front of the mirror to refine your tone and presence.
The more you prepare, the more confident and composed you’ll feel.
Final Thoughts
If you feel you deserve more, give yourself permission to ask for it.
Every time you advocate for your worth, you open the door a little wider for someone else.
You are not just shifting your trajectory—you’re helping to shift the system.
So ask. Negotiate. And when you do, share your wins.
About the Author
Hadi Diallo is an executive coach passionate about empowering BIPOC women leaders with the confidence, strategies, and strategic support to break barriers and thrive. A champion for leadership equity, she helps women advance their careers, amplify their influence, and create lasting impact—without compromising their well-being.